/* This is comments */

Sunday, November 23, 2003

"There is no freedom in love". She means to imply that love and freedom are mutually exclusive. And assuming that in love there is no loneliness, then freedom and loneliness are mutually inclusive. im getting a lot of that now. it wasnt supposed to happen; yet or not yet i do not know, but it wasnt supposed to. i hate conflicts. i hate unresolved issues. i hate having had the person i care about so much yell "you'r a bitch" at me.

Life can never be quite the same for me, ever, and the thought scares me. im removed from my comfort zone, like the moon without the protection of the dark. i feel unprotected, vulnerable, insecure and i dislike feeling this way thoroughly. i seek some form of solace, but i find none in everything i have. i could say, "my only dismal resource in life is to know that life would soon pass me by and that everything would not be worth the pain.." thats from dickens. again. thats the beauty of literature yeah. we identify with the characters, and our feelings are so clearly articulated, in ways we may not even be aware of consciously. im currently starting on Eliot's "Mill On the Floss" it looks like a pretty long book, and given the little time i seem to have with myself because of my constant need to annull the vacancies by meeting up with people, im gonna take some time to complete this one. but hey, the theme's on the struggle between human desire and morality. heh. something ive always thought to be extremely interesting and delightful, especially for discussion material. :)

anyway. the As are drawing to a close. it feels a little anticlimatic though i am getting very much better sleep, without needing to draw on valium. i need to work on getting my life right on track. i need to work. need to give tuition, to find meaning in developing and inspiring my potential students. im so beat now. i cant find the strength or energy for flights of fancy or magic and tinsel no more. im off to my bed, for more bizarre dreams. i dreamt that i was chasing a watermelon last night. isnt it so very strange? (i dont even like watermelons).

posted by voyeur @ 11/23/2003 11:28:00 PM