dolorous interludes.

"I love you. In the bustle of the anonymous crowds, you stand out dear. My absence will be but temporary. In pain, my love, remember not to let the walls come up to shield you. Do not succumb to the temptation of loving behind safe walls. Believe in our love dear. Trust me, and let not respite from pain tempt you into feeling less, caring less. Know i will be thinking of you also. Hold our memories dear my love. You are not alone. I love you. If neither of us pull back, and trust, we will make through anything love. Put your hand in mine love... Don't let go, for i will hold onto you tight. i wont let you fall. Fell its warmth and know of my love for you. i'll be coming back, and i know you'll be there waiting for me. The song sings... it couldnt be harder to say goodbye. how fitting. Goodbye love. " he writes.

And so he's off to China. Been away from Singapore for barely two days now, and it feels like forever. my days have seemingly been rougher since his absence, and Time sails by much less quicker too. in other words, i miss him dearly. He'll be away for two half weeks(ONLY, so some of you might say, but to young lovers who havent spent more than two days apart, it is immensely long a wait.) if two half weeks shall be so torturous, how will two half years feel? he's going off to the States in September; i know not what that will entail, but its an extremely saddening affair. long distance relationships? big words those are, havent given much thought to it as yet, but i guess Time will solidify what loose and uncertain ties there are, and then, the big step might be taken in due course.

Love, i tell you once more that my hands are in yours. i do trust in our love and my heart's desire. nothing is more genuine than the fresh impulse of faith and feeling that fills me, and i will not let the walls come up because i fear. or once feared. no longer i do, and i have decided to waste no more time in silly thoughts that define only the character of one who cannot embrace life because of man's fallibilities. i love you, and i've laid my heart out on the line, love.

Last night, i was shocked once more by the words of a moralist. it was somewhat offending, but looking at it from his point of view, having once been a moralist myself, i accepted his remarks graciously and took it with a pinch of salt. (or at least i tried to) "How quickly you've moved on. What happened to commitment? tsk, how times have changed." darlings, tell me. is it better to commit with an empty heart, and have the other person know that the only reason why one is still in a relationship is because one ought to be committed; or, is it better to end a dreadful relationship that will only mean more pain in the long term and will in due time end anyway? One should not be bounded by principles only because one ought to; i believe in the human heart and its workings; action without heartfelt desire is meaningless, despite the thoughts of stern moralists. anyhow. censorious folks can choose to think all they want, i no longer crave acceptance; i respect the strict moral code of those who can, but wish only that they might not judge too quicky those who cant. my religious faith, or the lack of, is a growing concern to many of late. this is another issue i would wish to write of soon, and this is no easy matter altogether. i wish mom would understand, but i guess i can understand why she cannot; i never used to be able to previously when arguing with my dad who chose no longer to walk the narrow path twenty years back. a long history and a long story, and here i am, following the very shadows of my dad. shadows? no. its a choice i have learnt to live with, and one that hopefully those around me will soon grow to accept. anyway. more about this in my later entries.

i miss him. he's truly so precious, and the sweetest thing too! ah. well thank God for technology though, and thank God for cyber cafes in China. A teacher today, however, remarked that i was so "quaint". she said that because of my disinclination towards technology and therefore my inadequacy at it. but darlings, tell me, is the element of romance somewhat lost because of technology? i love letter and journal writing. there's somewhat a more characteristic imprint of your very own original art, and strands of your natural emotive instincts are also somehow revealed through something handwritten; its more personal, more intimate, and more romantic. -smiles- and yes, romance is of utmost importance! i do not think i could ever live without it; it feeds one the wildest dreams, the most colourful of fantasies, and keeps one hoping and dreaming. ah look. even the skies agree with me; it is of a rich passionate orange -red shade now, mixed with a tinge of soft midnight blue to complement its glow.

this has been an exceedingly long entry. i could write as long as eternity takes me, but i must end here and get dressed for dinner. guess what im going to be having? subway! *cheers to all subway lovers!* =) and. would anyone like to take up my idea of starting up a new magazine with me, say ten years down the road? takers? anyone? =)

posted by voyeur @ 1/16/2004 07:27:00 PM