dolorous interludes.

In the twilight hours of my desperation, i seeked her wisdom, and she said this, "My dear, i may not know what you're going through, but everything in this world is but for a fleeting moment. nothing will satisfy. Turn back to God, the ultimate lover of your soul... there is no other solution. It is only then that you will never truly be in want."

I shall not want.

Managed to crawl out of bed this afternoon with much difficulty. Went to school after all. went to school with a heavy heart, a particular dread to meet people, people who expect you to be happy and make happy conversations. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, that's exactly what i may be needing- you know, to get out of my room, my bed for that matter, and talk to people, interact, forget your problems. and it works. mostly anyway. Today was no different i suppose. talked to SJ and SM on the train while on the way home about impressions. Yes, that big word which many people fear but love to create. or do they. i'm not sure these days. when you were younger, say fourteen or fifteen, or even seventeen, impressions were just so terribly important. we'd go the extra mile to look nice, buy the trendiest clothes, pull our dads to citylink just to get the perfect top that nobody else has. things like these. or maybe, its just a girl thing. guys don't really care much for impressions. or do they. of course they do. seen some guys who dated good looking girls just because they made excellent trophies. seen some guys who would spend hours bragging about their obssessions with cars(some did own one themselves), and then you have the guys who would wake up forty five minutes earlier to do up their hair.

everything creates impressions these days. from the way one walks, eats, dresses, talks, to the way one stands, carries his or her books, folds or crosses his or her arms, brushes his or her hair(assuming the guy's hair isn't so gelled or waxed that it can be brushed). maybe impressions are created too easily these days. we make these judgments so quietly that sometimes we don't even realise that we'r thinking something of someone till another person brings the someone up. insidious ain't it. where exactly am i going with all of this? i dont know. i guess the next appropriate question would be- often, how accurate are these judgments and impressions created? honestly, i dont know. SM says that different impressions make us who we are. i ask- can there even be one specific, particular impression formed since we are a multitude of personalities?

anyway. i was told today that im a cheery person. -smiles- always nice to know what people's impressions are of you. i wasn't surprised when i was told that. what, you'd expect me to be moping and morose and melancholic in school? we all try to be strong, on the surface. dont want to be weak. when we actually are. or are we not. or does it show? i dont know. i suppose deep down, everyone has their own little stories. the ones that make us who we all are. and what about those people who'r significantly short of experiences. do they change? i often wonder that. what if, i could turn back time and take away all the experiences that each time tore a little of my heart and tainted a bit of my innocence, but have made me who i am today? what would i have been if i didnt have all of these experiences? would i be nicer? would i be less critical? less jaded? less cynical?

i guess i'll never know. we all wouldn't. and does it even matter? i guess not. not now anyway, where everything has come and gone. does that apply to religion as well? can i possibly turn back time and go back to where i used to be? certain, unwavering, and complete in my faith? i dont know. but thats what she seems to suggest. she seems to imply that there is a way. a way out of all of this. a way back into His loving hearth. shall i find it soon? should i even be trying? if that were my only source of hope, then i suppose i would have no other choice now, or do i?

posted by voyeur @ 10/12/2004 04:45:00 PM