dolorous interludes.

Nothing ever seems to be going right anymore.

There are so many things i wish to write about but my blog was never about ranting nor has it ever been my fully transparent. I've learnt a few things today. or maybe, over the last couple of days.

School. Its quite a cut- throat- kill-each-other world out there, or maybe its just law. if you let things go all the time and don't make sure you achieve your end to fully get the rightful recognition or get what you deserve, you will fall into the dark abyss of nothingness and wallflowerism. You have to show that you know stuff around here and you have to pretend dilligence is one of your core values as a student because people will either think you'r stupid or that you don't care and therefore you'r not doing things right, etc.

its all about putting on a fking show

Honestly, i thought that, and perhaps still think, that i could go through school disregarding what people thought about how you chose to do things, or perceived to have done them for that matter. but, its tougher than id like it be.

People. Large masses of people really, really irk me. i hate crowds so much so that i can't even conceal my discomfort when i'm amongst large groups of people anymore. i really dislike big social events, and i really dislike clubbing- the affirmation of this arose when i went to the last party. you look at people dancing, or girls trying to draw guys, and it just looks almost... silly. i felt so tired for them.

Friends. I dont mean to use this term loosely, ie. to the world at large. by friends, i mean the few people who have really really been there for me the last couple of days, or weeks for that matter. the people who have stood by me and really made an effort to either empathise or to make me feel better. for all the encouragement, for your opinions, for your prayers, and for just sitting it out with me- the best conversations are those where we just sat there and spoke no words, but your presence made so much of a difference. one can really tell genuine concern apart from token gestures.

While trying to sleep last night, i was contemplating how i should go about getting out of this black hole. God i wish i had an answer, and yes i wish that answer could have simply been God himself. but. thats unattainable as well.

posted by voyeur @ 11/01/2004 06:25:00 PM