dolorous interludes.

"The fact that they loved each other was merely proof that the fault lay not in themselves, in their behaviour or inconsistency of feeling, but rather in their incompaibility: he was strong and she was weak."

Met up with a friend the other night and it made me feel awfully nostalgic. J's someone i got to know proper last november, and it was around this time last year that we went for a party together and where i was first introduced to L. (I have this nasty habit of not actually mentioning names here, but people who do read this often enough would know who they are anyhow.) And so we talked, actually, we reminisced- how i first met J through T, and later, through J i met L. i remember more than i thought i did. its funny how one year does nothing to change the memories we hold in our hearts. It was also at about this time last year that i made the transition from what i was to what i was to be; it was a time when i struggled hard to find a bridge between where i currently am and where i was. and though it breaks the hearts of many of my closest friends who have spent much time talking to me about Him, i also feel that this journey is going to take me some place where i shall grow in ways that may not necessarily be to the best of my interests; they may be arduous and painful, and i may even emerge from it older and more fatigued before i finally take the roundabout, but ive got to walk it through first.

It was first hand experience that killed me once. but it also marked my rebirth.

And so i reread the entries of yesteryear, and traversing through time leaves me slightly flustered, and my eyes sting from the winds of change. Perhaps Love doesn't change so much as people do. At fourteen, i remember a certain someone who told me that he would never stop loving me. And he hasn't. Love merely transformed herself from something passionate and romantic to something amicable and grounded. Many Loves seem to mellow in that direction. Maybe its inevitable. or maybe, we see no need to sustain the foremost feeling. If we needed something enough, we would safeguard it best we can.

Two days back, my dad and i had a conversation about squash. At twenty, he was a brilliant squash player. He wanted the best racquet in the world so that he could play the best game ever. The limitation was never his physical ability, it was in getting the best racquet in the world that could make these minute differences. or maybe bigger ones like the sense of satisfaction we derive from knowing that we've played our best because of the best tools we have. He never got the best racquet in the world of course. He couldn't afford the best racquet in the world. But he told me he never once regretted because our best can only be accurately measured according to what we each can afford. I cried, half angry and half resigned. Money doesn't make the world go round, but it brings us to places, and fulfills at least more of our dreams. For these reasons, every generation works harder, hoping to earn more, and to provide the next with what we never had and can only dream of. But the cycle is a vicious one-having fulfilled in their time what we've always wanted but never got, they then only want more. but limitations bind them to regrets, and dreams unrealised.

Of course, if we had our feet on the ground to begin with, we wouldn't have to shed tears on unrealised fantastical dreams.

But i like dreaming: of flying high off the ground. And im just about prepared to safeguard this dream.

posted by voyeur @ 12/20/2004 01:20:00 AM