dolorous interludes.

sharp ribbons of sunlight.

I am suddenly stripped bare of that blanket of security that used to be my only source of livelihood- it is not merely survival that I am concerned with, but to bridge what is taken for granted everyday, with notions of happiness (a state of being that I no longer subscribe to since it is often a matter of choice or will), or rather, joy, an undercurrent of soulful and spiritual energy, something that springs forth quite genuinely from within. A sudden fear grips me like that very morning when I awoke with a start and a panic in my heart; my resolve is weakened daily by his presence, and I find myself once more clinging onto threads of the past (of whatever loose ends there might be left). Nothing is certain today, and I therefore try to create my own sense of certainty within myself, yet, in certainty there always exist glimmers and portions of uncertainty that yield notions of hope, of faith, and of love. Again, I ramble on as do my thoughts, and I achieve nothing yet; my only respite of late is sleep, for it is only then where dreams lead me to a place of wild colour and of cheery childish chatter (a construct perhaps of my own consciousness, albeit sometimes inconsequential), but nonetheless momentary peace fills the unreachable nooks and crannies of my heart, a transient cure to this malady.

It is not in the adult nature to be happy indeed; we are only too aware of the carefully calculated advantages that we charge at like bulls towards the red flag; the balance beam will forever be tilted it seems.

posted by voyeur @ 4/13/2005 06:39:00 PM