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Wednesday, January 01, 2003

you called me last night. it really really made my day. my new year. he didnt even call me to wish me a happy new year. perhaps this is a really flawed comparison, but i do tend to compare a lot. perhaps i want to, because i know you'll always be. better. i told eunice last night, if you told me now, right now, that you loved me too, i would be at a great loss. i love you both, ive grown to love him too, although he disappoints me sometimes, but he's there, and i do love him for who he is. i dont love either person more than the other, and i wouldnt know what to do. really. wouldnt. with him though, i feel that a soul in me is lacking. you never fail to amaze me, to create in me a renewed power each time im with you. i think its called passion. or perhaps, im not being fair to him. perhaps, i wouldnt be feeling this way if i had let you go a long time ago. but i cannot. talking to you last night for a brief five minutes or so made me realise i still miss you. i realise that not thinking about things does not make the feelings go away either. sometimes i really fear blogging. if he should chance upon this one day, i would. have disappointed him a lot. he doesnt know of my mixed feelings. i dont want him to, because i know that if you werent here, he would have my heart fully. perhaps you'll go away someday. not that id want you to. i fear id lose you someday. but perhaps you will, even without me realising. then maybe, just maybe, it wouldnt even hurt. i wonder what God's plans for me are. i was praying just now. i remember in one of your past letters, you wrote, 'if we hold on to God's promises, for us, wait upon Him, He will fulfill our heart's desires.' you wrote as if you knew, you knew that God's will was for us to one day understand what 'forever' means. i dont want to hope now. it'll only disappoint me. hope in God. yes, i will hope in God. i wish you could help me walk this year more with God. i wish we could be as close as we were before. as friends. special friends.

posted by voyeur @ 1/01/2003 06:10:00 PM