dolorous interludes.

Tonight's lonelier than i thought it'd be. its much easier with the internet though. its no wonder people dont get lonely very much these days. a single click and we'r connected to the world. we'r connected, but by such artificial means. its almost sad, technology. there's so little direct contact, so little of everything real and true. perhaps i shall embrace solitude tonight. its so much easier being alone in the day. nights are so cold, so dark, so quiet, and so lacking in activity. its strange, i was really looking forward to spending some time alone in this house: having the luxury of using the computer till late at night, the incredible freedom; but now that everyone's gone, it feels empty, and im suddenly wishing for the banter, the chatter, the noise, their presence. i hope for the night to pass by quickly; how does the single mother spend her nights at home, alone, bearing the lonely pain of her failed marriage; how does the single grandparent spend his night alone, thinking of his days of glory and could-have-beens, whilst missing his wife who's now impregnable; how does the lonely girl spend her nights alone, feeling alone, truly, for the first time, for the first night, and not being able to talk to anyone about it? its strange, this fear. i wrote once that loneliness was easier to bear than the pain of having to love. i beg to differ now.

anyway. i feel so dislocated now. much has changed even without us realising it. Time changes. Time steals. Time eats away what's precious, what's close to our hearts. i still can't hardly believe that she finally talked to him about it. could i ever find the strength to? could i ever be unselfish enough to let go? could i? i doubt it. such creatures we are, wanting the best of both worlds; wanting the security of something permanent, strong and consistent, yet wanting to explore the dark dark world.

tonight, i shall do what is right: study i must. yes. study study study. not much of the night left, though. it shall be morning soon! how time flies when one is online. there'r plenty of people online too, which makes time fly by even quicker. off i shall go now. its a funny thing, exams make one detached. colder. less feeling. Perhaps, its a good thing, for now.

posted by voyeur @ 10/22/2003 11:30:00 PM