dolorous interludes.

i want so much to talk to you. tell you everything. and for you to understand and not pass me off with a judgement of yours immediately. could you do that? i think you could. can. you're gracious. i know you are. i feel sometimes that you are the driving force of mine towards excellence. to want to be the best that i can because of you. partly perhaps, to gain acceptance. from you. hm. ive always known you to have disliked and therefore rejected some of my qualities, that are possibly not desirable in your eyes. many times i was so disillushioned. didnt know who i was anymore. wanted to be someone more like the perfect someone in your eyes. perhaps thats one thing he could do better. accepting me fully for who i am. i remember we were at one fullerton one night. some time possibly on the 22 of november 2001, you said, "there's this part of you, the quiet you, i like so much, on the other hand, there's this louder you, the party you, whom i find myself distancing." what am i, if not human, to hold in myself a multitude of clashing characteristics that do not make sense, but makes me exactly who i am? however, i also know that what you want of me, what you want me to be, is someone very much of God, and i couldnt want more of that for myself either.

posted by voyeur @ 1/02/2003 08:32:00 PM