dolorous interludes.

it certainly is strange how saturdays always are ever so gloomy. i often sit at my computer during this hour, on this very day of the week, looking out at the skies; i see grey clouds gathering together, warning me of my demise. i hate studying like this; all for nothing. the meaninglessness of every geormophological process in my head, nothing more, nothing more. "all of our friends were here, they all have gone home, and i sit on the front porch, watching the drunks stumble into the night... i did not see you there, i thought you would disappear... and this is the chance i never got, to make a move, we just talk about the people we have met in the last five years..." - death cab for cutie. thanks gabs, for the excellent recommendation.

such melancholy isnt good for me.

im drenched in tears of yesteryear, i ask to be understood,and not misunderstood. i ask to be given allowances; i ask to be assured; i ask to be loved.

where is the midnight star of love i yearn for each time night falls upon me? i ask for purity and crystalline truth in my relationship, yet, there is none. i want to feel the raw passions of love and intensity, as diamond love would reflect its prettiness and clarity of beauty, yet, i only grow deaf in its loud absence.

"if love was red then i was colourblind". i doubt myself ever finding this perfect love. dont tell me to rationalise, dont tell me that being an idealist will bring me no one. i dont ask for a perfect someone, i ask for a perfect love, the most perfect that any human being can provide. perfection is when there is grace and utmost will in loving the other.

how can i trust your lustful eyes and be tame in my wild emotions of insecurity when i'v seen only your ravaging need for cheap gratifications? ugh. all men are scum.

posted by voyeur @ 9/06/2003 01:21:00 PM

"hey now hey now, dont dream its over..."
hey you. a thought struck me last night and i felt more vulnberable than ever. remember what you said once, " when im with you its like being is a totally different world"? this comment was with reference to us being so apart from our normal day to day lives each time we'r together. thing is, while it used to be a problem in those innucuous days, it suddenly struck me as being "the perfected moments", where when you'r with someone, the world lives on its own, at that very second, at the edge of preciousness so far off from the normality of everyday life. this is the kind of passionate love i want to live for; to have.

perhaps those days were so much more intense because of our youth. when one is young, everything is beautiful, fresh, lovely and to be embraced. these days, i am only tired, weathered, cynical, and doubtful of everything.

then, is this cause of jadedness or the absence of our love now lost?

the day you left was the day i grew wiser. yet, wisdom leads to fatigue, and a pinch of cynicism; we attribute everything in life to "the way it should be, the ways of the world".

i need you to open up your heart to me soon; i need to know if there is a place for me at all in it. these years of never knowing, always guessing, is painful. i only tell you this: that despite everything, i think of you daily; this is my truth.

posted by voyeur @ 9/06/2003 01:01:00 PM