dolorous interludes.

::Jewel::
Run to You

I need you for dark reasons, dear
For greed and lust and seed and fear
For all the songs that I can hear when you are near
'Cause the places I've been, well I'm trying to forget
But the further I run, well, the further I get
But with just one kiss, you know that it does not exist
So won't you dance for me beneath the street lamp's light
With your arms stretched out, baby, drunk on wine
You know it feels so good, like it should, just to laugh
I knew that it would

posted by voyeur @ 10/04/2003 03:02:00 PM

"What are your reading?"
"The 21 irrefutable laws of leadership", you say.
"ah, so its self enrichment kinda reading?"
"yeap but its different cos i disliked all sorts of reading before this"
"oh thats good anyhow. so how'd you do for your prelims?"
"iv still got a paper two for my bio left, but currently its standing at 68"
"so you'll get a grand total of AAAB? gosh you'r a genius"
"neah, probably ABBA"

each time i talk to him, i feel more and more that this construct of a perfect genius is no longer the person i used to know. the disparity in our interests, our goals, and our priorities; so stark it is. into "shreds of vague disremembrance" it will be from now.

posted by voyeur @ 10/04/2003 02:13:00 PM

Mirror of Scarlet Tears

You sometimes dream
of winter mannequins with
rose-dusk lips strangled in
their corsets of lace and purple
ribbons of silk. you wished for
satin dance shoes and to feel the
welvet caress of smoke from tobacco pipes
nestled between sensuous lips.

But caught in the webs of time(for time
is not simply a measure of its passing)
and confines of heart(a measure of love)
the molten spirit
that fed your eternal demise and
lavished your illusions of yesteryear
solidified and the dreams
vapourized into ludicrosity.
and thereafter into a shred
of vague disremembrance.

posted by voyeur @ 10/04/2003 01:22:00 PM

"i made my way to your place in the heart of the night, riding on a cab, feeling the nervousness of meeting you, and having snuck out of the house for the first time. all this, for you. the feeling of disobedience felt all so virginal that i started to question how worthwhile this trip would be. the cab ride was certainly no different from the rest, but i felt it a magical experience, as a musician having performed its first concerto would. upon reaching the dark lane leading to this strange white house, i looked at myself in the rear mirror; 'oh those flat features on my face! surely he would dislike me for it! ' the insecurity overflowed as tears, as meandering streams would, in a bank filled with silt. i paid without even looking to the driver, said a crisp and dry thank-you, and stepped out into the cold of the night. you were standing at the porch, and oh how my body warmed and flushed as i saw you; that vague visage i saw for myself only so rarely now came full into view as a rising moon would to the diamond stars. i trembled at the unfamiliarity, and quite simply, i walked on, melting into the portrait of passion that was to ensue. ", all this, i saw and felt in a night, and upon awaking, i wished only, that it had been reality.

posted by voyeur @ 10/03/2003 06:57:00 PM

And he intrigues me once more. i dont believe i know who he is, truly, for what is knowing without seeing someone torn and worn. "the only puerile amongst us are those who have long fallen prey.", says a mysterious someone. he writes not to lure, i know this for certain, yet i am very much enthralled by his writings; drawn to him i am, as we are to a book that speaks to us. words count for nothing eventually, for it is the heart that feels sincerely and genuinely, and what is oft not said usually counts for the most. but yet, the heart feels, and oh it does, feels so much that feelings become just as insignificant.

despite the unreliability and multitude of diverse conflicting feelings, i choose to embrace it still, and be led by it. after all, what is life if we live it with half baked passion; and since feelings are the very engine to passionate ravings, embracing every nuance and feeling the full intensity of each strand of emotive prompting will be, in my opinion, truly, living.

i will not wonder, i will not rationalise, i will not calculate coldly; i will not say "i ought to" and therefore do. with this, i will feel; i feel you know me.

posted by voyeur @ 10/02/2003 04:34:00 PM

i meant to write in my journal today, for i feel ive been neglecting it quite a bit. but as i started in it, holding my pen in an almost odd fashion, i felt almost uncomfortable writing. i fear the insidious lure of technology soon tearing away my interest in writing by such archaic means, at least compared to that of the advanced world of online journals. i hope to continue writing in my book because many years from now, such means of writing would become obsolete, and alas, a treasure will it then be for the future generations ahead of us, no? heh. famewhore i am, eh. but ah, often in my writings do i warn them of the danger of humanity being lost in technology's rapid progression as well, and ah, here i am almost disclaiming what i believe so strongly in, and for so long. i can almost imagine aldous huxley standing by my very side now in spirit, shaking his head disapprovingly at me. haha. all that talk of the supernatural last night with you has got me all silly about things now. ah there, the -you- is now no longer addressed to -him-! :) im sounding even sillier now.. haha, i'll stop.

mm. on a more serious note; my dream last night. "my pillar of support", seastreet said(im sure he'd be most pleased at being called this for he once said jocosely that he would name his son this)and aye, i think he's right. too right. my dream last night was disastrously vivid and real, and i woke up drenched in tears; you were wrong about me not being as sad about things should he and i break up some day. :) but it is so very strange that i should have dreamt this. are dreams mostly a reflection of what we fear or desire most, or are they foreboding signs of what is to ensue?

ah, you'r online now, and its distracting. :) perhaps i'll write more later; writing is oft best done in solitude, dont you think?

posted by voyeur @ 10/02/2003 03:41:00 PM

Thank you my dear eunice. :) always the great technician and mathematician that you are. heh. i really appreciate your help with this; its so very thrilling! heh.

anyway, with this comment box thingy up, i feel a need, somehow, to have my blog open to the public. a very nice someone told me last night that one needs to find his own purpose in writing; it used to be for him, but im quite bent on forgetting and plodding along, ahead, again. its much easier forgetting when one is in the midst of all the mental activity, fellowship, and superficiality. but ah, i cant, can i. with all that sentimental trash in here, no no, i cant quite risk it, can i. but ah, why then, do i hide these feelings away if they were only so true? but. what is true? every thought, feeling, and nuance is fleeting; all is transient like the magical aurora skies. hm.

anyhow, i had an enjoyable, albeit late conversation with a certain someone last night. i shall write more of this tomorrow; im feeling almost sapped from all that girlish excitement. meanwhile, think: why are feelings often so very fleeting; and why are some days drenched with surges of sentimentalism while others merely dry up in detachment?

posted by voyeur @ 10/01/2003 11:45:00 PM

Your first name of Tania has given you a friendly, likeable nature, and you could excel in artistic, dramatic, and musical expression. With this name, you desire the finer things in life, but you do not always have the resolve and vitality to put forth the effort necessary to fulfil your desires. Your emotional feelings are easily aroused and you will always be involved in other people's problems as a result of your overly sympathetic nature. You have many disappointments because of extending a helping hand to others in need, and then not receiving any acknowledgement or reciprocation for your generosity. After each experience, you have to guard against feelings of despondency and self-pity. You have high goals and ideals, but must incorporate more practicality, system, and concentration in order to materialize them.

gosh, this thing's pretty damn accurate. go try. http://www.kabalarians.com/

posted by voyeur @ 10/01/2003 10:13:00 PM

what dreams do i have? i dont know. i forced myself to reach a point where im no longer sure what i think, dream, or envision. i seem to dream ever more remotely, about vague and imprecise things that cant be visualised. i have no theories about life.i dont know or wonder whether its good or bad. in my eyes, its harsh and sad, with delilghtful dreams interspersed here and there. why should i care what it is for others? other people's lives are of use to me only in my dreams, where i live the life that seems to suit each one.

posted by voyeur @ 9/30/2003 10:14:00 PM