dolorous interludes.

The Family Unit is a strange concept. It sits at an elongated table with all of its victorian chairs full, majestic feasts, purple and golden robes at both ends of the table, and hearty laughter complementing the roomful of movement, activity and across-the-table conversations. For the moment, everything is perfect; differences are overlooked, faults are forgotten, and even made hilarious. The meeting of three time capsules do nothing to dim the masquerade of joy nor burn out the celebratory candles. Yet the moment passes, and once out of the grandeur of tall chambers and feasty embers, the journey home is plagued with a solemness of cold emptiness and a realisation of the return to routine. The candles are blown out, and like the grey smoke and the melted wax that's left over, the Family Unit disperses, marches to its own camp, and grows cold and old with the night.

posted by voyeur @ 10/18/2003 01:29:00 PM

i felt incredibly light playing Chopin's Valse in C minor this afternoon. you feel like you'r waltzing, but the tune undulates between romance and uncertainty, fear; its amazing how classical music speaks to me. i played the first movement of Beethoven's 'Moonlight' thereafter; the round resonating notes floated from the black piano and seemed to darken the room, like the slow movement of clouds blanketing the pallid moonlight. i like the moon. it is so solitary, so cold, so directionless, and yet it is my only hope; the only light in the dark(for the stars come in clusters; they are not alone).

posted by voyeur @ 10/15/2003 05:04:00 PM

Can i square the circle eventually?

today marks our first year. one year. one whole year, and how much has changed indeed. holding his motionless hand felt almost like the state of our relationship: you hold on but feel as if therein lies only emptiness.

a tradeoff between stability and wild passion there is. the consistent, committed, and the most genuine are oft the most stable; the fire of meteorite passion, sweet charm and landscaped braille, exist only in the most unreliable and your typical massive heart breaker. today however, i sought refuge in the predicatable and monotonous; in His arms i shall be safe, and be saved, hopefully.

posted by voyeur @ 10/14/2003 09:30:00 PM

"don't give up on love. it's possibly the most beautiful thing ever created. in one word, it gives flights of fancy, soaring above endless clouds, from rainbow to rainbow. butterflies in our stomachs, a fluttering and pounding heart. dreams straight out of mills and boon novels. " says my dear friend. he's right. we shouldnt give up on love. but what is love. the notion of love is now so contorted that there's just too little of it to believe in anymore. the love that is passionate, never out of habit nor convenience; the love that shines as brightly as diamond stars and burns so eternally; the love that is perfected by our desires, and always so spontaneous, so unrestrained, and so alive. THIS, is the only love i want and will embrace. yet, it seems so impossible to meet with such a love. as the very same dear friend of mine would say, "On relationships. We meet, strike up an exchange of words, thoughts, contact. slow inital motion accelerates, so quick it sparks, ignites and it burns bright! after the first flame, it slows down, and works itself to the rest of what is left, consuming everything, leaving nothing but charred ashes. relationships are a lot like matches".

another dear friend of mine wrote yesterday that he was a boy who "could not love". why do you say "could?" even if you can't, will you? why won't you? a very trying love would perhaps need a consious decision of commitment, but a love as the one i wish for and desire would not need such an action. so it is perhaps not true to say that love is a choice. in this light, i may then be undermining love, reducing it to a mere fleeting feeling, but this is my point. feelings are powerful. they ignite in us a far greater will to love, completely, as compared to our weak willed minds. what is love if not for the soul in us? aye, it is nothing. nothing at all.

we dont think up our feelings. i think it flawed to suggest that the only way we dont feel is not to think. on the contrary, the only way to feel, and feel completely, is not to think! the mind is divorced from the heart. even the feelings i feel right now that are processed by my very mind are so much less, so much less, than what i feel. so tell me, what would make you love? what would? i dont believe you to be so very cold, and hey, please dont prove me wrong.

posted by voyeur @ 10/13/2003 01:16:00 PM

Have you caught "The Good Girl" starring Jennifer Anniston? i feel exactly the character she plays in this show. the show's great in my opinion, reflects very much the realistic intensity of our feelings, our disatisfaction with the mundane, and the wry humour of life. i felt rather disturbed upon having watched the movie at first; i thought it well done, but now, its more than well done, i feel for her greatly. If you'r wondering what she's like in the show, this is it: she plays a wife who's surpressed and extremely bored with her marriage; her husband is old, fat, uncouth, lazy, and unattractive, oh, and he gets drunk a lot too. she works at a supermarket, earning meagre wages, and there, she meets this young boy. he's alluring, a wonderful writer, and good looking. and so the days go by and they delve deeper into each other's lives, soon enough, the attraction overwhelms them and they fornicate. Decadence? nah, i think the human desire is far too intense to be controlled by our silly, ever -changing convictions.

so. im like her. i'v got my fair share of desires, and when unleashed, god i just want more. im unmarried obviously, but yes, in a stale relationship too. so, i meet you(not in a supermarket of course) and you certainly arent younger than i, but gosh, he reminds me a lot of you, except that he was extremely devoted to anniston. ;)

i met him last night, and at a club once again. i wonder if we'll ever get to meet at a non clubbing place. it seems like getting high from alcohol's the only way to soothe my discomfort and defensiveness. i dont know why i get defensive either. perhaps because i know how he's like, but its not like it makes a difference anyway; i still fall prey to the desires of my heart. heart, or hormones? gosh, the distinction is even starting to blur. disgusting isnt it, this life of decadence. "what is a good girl doing with a bastard?", he asks. laughs. blame it on our raw crass human desires then. and this is the truth: the human condition cannot be restricted or controlled by a man made framework of moral consistencies.

how was last night? it was fun, except that i lost my bag there; he looked great in red, and somehow, his hair looked nicer too. -grin- i was quite sober the whole night through, except from getting a little high from the music and alcohol, so yes, i was pretty conscious of what i was doing. and what was i doing? i did what i wanted. but not completely though, the place was packed. did you have fun? sorry if i wasnt great company; im new with this, and i was shy and self conscious! aye, the insecurities of a girl. another time then, perhaps; last night's experience is more than what i really need now to get going with my stupid As.

hm. so you were right about us not being able to control our dreams, but being able to make them come true then. -grin- well well. till i next see you then.

posted by voyeur @ 10/12/2003 08:49:00 PM