dolorous interludes.

i'm trying to keep my head up, but its difficult when law school is discouraging. i feel incapable and inadequate, i feel small and stupid. People say things but you know its merely cursory. i think i've met enough people to distinguish between the genuine and otherwise. Was talking to a close friend last night(and thank you for calling dear, it was really nice catching up- the girl power thing in you never ceases to amaze me :)), and she's right about me keeping my guard up. This isn't college anymore, i now know what it means to kill for success. If i want to win, to outlive, to outdo, i have to play it right, and tough. but i dont want to win this way; im not like that, but i dont want to lose it all either. maybe law school isn't for me after all. maybe i was wrong in thinking that i could be relatively good at it. i'm just a silly girl after all, who am i kidding?

posted by voyeur @ 12/11/2004 03:59:00 AM

each time you hurt me a little, i retreat. a step at a time.
and then, my heart turns to stone.

posted by voyeur @ 12/10/2004 04:56:00 AM

A Tale about a Woman. a Man. and The Conversation.

"Ray feels compelled to have The Conversation. It is apppropriate tonight because of Ray's fairness doctrine: before the clothes come off, speeches must be made.

"I think i should tell you a few things. I don't think i'm ready for a real relationship right now." He says this not to Mirabelle but to the air, as though he is just discovering a truth about himself and accidentally speaking it aloud.

Mirabelle answers, "You had a rough time with your divorce."

Understanding. For Ray Porter, that is good. She absolutely knows that this will never be long term. He goes on: "But i love seeing you and i want to keep seeing you."

"I do too," says Mirabelle. Mirabelle believes he has told her that he is bordering on falling in love with her, and Ray believes she understands that he isn't going to be anybody's boyfriend.


"I'm travelling too much right now, "he says. In this sentence, he serves notice that he would like to come into town, sleep with her, and leave. Mirabelle believes that he is expressing frustration at having to leave town and that he is trying to cut down on travelling.

"So what i'm saying is that we should be allowed to keep out options open, if that's okay with you."

At this point, Ray believes he has told her that in spite of what could be about to happen tonight, they are still going to see other people. Mirabelle believes that after he cuts down on his travelling, they will see if they should get married or just go steady.

So now they have had The Conversation. What neither of them understands is that these conversations are meaningless. They are meaningless to the sayer and they are meaningless to the hearer. The sayer believes they are heard, and the hearer believes they are never said. Men, women, dogs, and cats, these words are never heard.

They chat through dinner, and then Ray asks her if she would like to come to his house, and she says yes. "

This short extract left me smiling to myself. I love it because it spells the typical stereotype of the differences between a man and woman's understanding of love. This extract is from my latest read, "Shopgirl" by Steve Martin. Its one of those books that leave you staring at it for a few minutes after the pages come to a close; its tenderness lie in its truthfulness, and its wry humour so subtle it leaves one disarmed and melancholic.

posted by voyeur @ 12/05/2004 09:41:00 PM