dolorous interludes.

my only sunbeam through the shadows of mist.

And so centuries of heartbreak rain down on menfolk and we steel our royal chambers from vicious gargolyes that sneak the towers and clothe themselves in knight armours; they beguile the trusting and sweetened charm lays weight in golden heaving chests, eventually leaving the heartful in shambles and ruined crumble. Concrete cities therefore replace village simplicity, and as with every disaster or misfortune that bechance the unprepared and the unfearful, we learn: to strategise, to plan escape routes, draw up damage control warranties, and be on the alert. But what is lost perhaps is the spirit of spontaneity and of giving.

I hate witholding. i dislike feeling like all that i am prepared to give has to be controlled, or even repressed. But better a subdued small fire that radiates just enough warmth than a raging one that may easily blow north when unexpected winds of change befall perhaps. In all its vagueness that i sail through, i hold out my rubied treasure box; i may not see yet the journeys ahead nor the mist covered signs that dictate commonly travelled routes, but through the fog there's one thing that i see with pristine clarity- my hand that holds my rubied treasure box. out for you.

posted by voyeur @ 1/08/2005 03:24:00 AM

"Yes, it will be good to travel... Why is my heart so sad, though? Is it the fear of the unknown...the pull of old habits...or else...? No, it's too much happiness! Feeble thing that i am! Do you forgive me?"

And so it is decided. Never have i felt so strongly this need in me to travel, and to remove myself from familiarity; drawn to all things foreign, i am, again, nauseated by mediocrity and foolish pragmaticism. My heart yearns to soar and experience new joys unattainable here; my soul is weak from disillusionment, having previously thought that i could make do with passionless practices and dull monotony for a while; my mind is faraway with dreams and fantasies(of ambition and hope, nothing absurdly carnal in nature of course). But what frightens me the most is how my only chance at happiness and the nourishment for my steadily greying heart, rests so heavily in the hands of another. I never thought that one year could do so much to increase my want- i don't think i was half as ready to fly then, nor a third as certain as i am now. Pulsating desire has made me feverish with fear and melancholy, but hopefuly nonetheless. The thought of finally being able to thread on lofty dreams that have been supressed for a while now(in order to continue my daily walk through a dry forest of inconsequential material) fill me with some semblance of optimism, like the winds that invite Spring to give new life to deadened trees. or perhaps, they were hibernating, only to unleash new strength come january.

please let this brand new year mark the beginning of dreams realised. (this dream anyway, i've been waiting far too long)

The only chains of familiarity that i haven't freed myself from(and am not intending to), are my friends and my dad. If all things were perfect, i'd pack my bags now and stuff the people who mean so much to me in them.

posted by voyeur @ 1/06/2005 05:57:00 PM

express and embrace; repress and there you will drown.

"Love, she believed, had to come, suddenly with a great clap of thunder and a lightning flash, a tempest from heaven that falls upon your life, like a devastation, scatters your ideals like leaves and hurls your very soul into the abyss. Little did she know that up on the roof of the house, the rain will form a pool if the gutters are blocked, and there she would have stayed feeling safe inside, until one day she suddenly discovered the crack right down the wall."

posted by voyeur @ 1/06/2005 04:11:00 AM

silly, vain and happy!

You know you're in good company when you can be the above three all at once! We lounged in plush couches and exchanged belated christmas presents: those who received were delighted with their gifts, while those who gave delighted in the delight that was expressed by the receivers. Upon realising that a monday night meant that certain coffee places closed at half past ten, we took a train down town only to miss our stop and therefore had to cross the platform shortly to finally reach our desired destination. Food was aplenty tonight as we dined in fine weather and comfort- garlic prawn pasta, spice island chicken chunks, seafood dough platter, and a cheesecake before all that (i still want my wedges hui haha). We talked, largely of men and our miseries(caused by the former), of fashion and accessories, and mildly of our '05 plans. The highlight of the night however, was the 61 photos we took in a short span of slightly more than an hour. Its amazing how a little thing can bring so much pleasure and gaiety to us. :) Yawns and increasingly dry contacts marked the end of our girly fun and home we went, happy and cheery, until i thought about how soon she is to go.

I love you dears. :)

Prior to this though, i met with a surprise while out in the day. As i approached him after heading to the bathroom, he extended his hand that was carrying a hmv bag and told me that he had found a bag for my bottle of water. And in that bag, i find a cd that ive been meaning to get since forever. :) you're so vain, and so sweet. haha.

Now how's that for a brilliant day? :)

posted by voyeur @ 1/04/2005 02:01:00 AM