dolorous interludes.

Haven't spent a Friday night at home like this in a mighty long time. Listening to Samba De Mon Coeur Qui Bat. Don't you so love french jazz? relaxing night it is, and words fail me somewhat. i am devoid of emotion at the moment; i'm walking my dog on a plateau and i see only the mist. but this is fine by me really. i'd much rather the flat soils than mountain trekking, thank you.

And have i mentioned? spending time with your girlfriends is the best feeling in the world- you'r entitled to read horoscopes, talk about other women, agree/disagree on the singapore idol choices, be indecisive about our movie choices, lie on each other's shoulders, shop, visit the toilet together and later discover that your cubicles were adjacent to each others' and that the floors were black marble and were therefore terribly reflective, share food, and walk slowly!

You now know why guys and girls share this great common interest- we both love spending time with girls. =)

posted by voyeur @ 10/15/2004 10:33:00 PM

Special thanks to gen and hui for coming over and making my wednesday night so much more tolerable. -smiles- thanks for the flowers, the card, the cd, and for just being here. =)

Girlfriends make the best friends, especially those who share your surname. -grin-

posted by voyeur @ 10/14/2004 10:26:00 PM

In the twilight hours of my desperation, i seeked her wisdom, and she said this, "My dear, i may not know what you're going through, but everything in this world is but for a fleeting moment. nothing will satisfy. Turn back to God, the ultimate lover of your soul... there is no other solution. It is only then that you will never truly be in want."

I shall not want.

Managed to crawl out of bed this afternoon with much difficulty. Went to school after all. went to school with a heavy heart, a particular dread to meet people, people who expect you to be happy and make happy conversations. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, that's exactly what i may be needing- you know, to get out of my room, my bed for that matter, and talk to people, interact, forget your problems. and it works. mostly anyway. Today was no different i suppose. talked to SJ and SM on the train while on the way home about impressions. Yes, that big word which many people fear but love to create. or do they. i'm not sure these days. when you were younger, say fourteen or fifteen, or even seventeen, impressions were just so terribly important. we'd go the extra mile to look nice, buy the trendiest clothes, pull our dads to citylink just to get the perfect top that nobody else has. things like these. or maybe, its just a girl thing. guys don't really care much for impressions. or do they. of course they do. seen some guys who dated good looking girls just because they made excellent trophies. seen some guys who would spend hours bragging about their obssessions with cars(some did own one themselves), and then you have the guys who would wake up forty five minutes earlier to do up their hair.

everything creates impressions these days. from the way one walks, eats, dresses, talks, to the way one stands, carries his or her books, folds or crosses his or her arms, brushes his or her hair(assuming the guy's hair isn't so gelled or waxed that it can be brushed). maybe impressions are created too easily these days. we make these judgments so quietly that sometimes we don't even realise that we'r thinking something of someone till another person brings the someone up. insidious ain't it. where exactly am i going with all of this? i dont know. i guess the next appropriate question would be- often, how accurate are these judgments and impressions created? honestly, i dont know. SM says that different impressions make us who we are. i ask- can there even be one specific, particular impression formed since we are a multitude of personalities?

anyway. i was told today that im a cheery person. -smiles- always nice to know what people's impressions are of you. i wasn't surprised when i was told that. what, you'd expect me to be moping and morose and melancholic in school? we all try to be strong, on the surface. dont want to be weak. when we actually are. or are we not. or does it show? i dont know. i suppose deep down, everyone has their own little stories. the ones that make us who we all are. and what about those people who'r significantly short of experiences. do they change? i often wonder that. what if, i could turn back time and take away all the experiences that each time tore a little of my heart and tainted a bit of my innocence, but have made me who i am today? what would i have been if i didnt have all of these experiences? would i be nicer? would i be less critical? less jaded? less cynical?

i guess i'll never know. we all wouldn't. and does it even matter? i guess not. not now anyway, where everything has come and gone. does that apply to religion as well? can i possibly turn back time and go back to where i used to be? certain, unwavering, and complete in my faith? i dont know. but thats what she seems to suggest. she seems to imply that there is a way. a way out of all of this. a way back into His loving hearth. shall i find it soon? should i even be trying? if that were my only source of hope, then i suppose i would have no other choice now, or do i?

posted by voyeur @ 10/12/2004 04:45:00 PM

Today i woke up very early, with a sudden and confused start, and i slowly got out of bed, suffocating from an inexplicable tedium. No dream had caused it; no reality could have created it. It was a complete and absolute tedium, but founded on something. The obscure depths of my soul had been battleground where unknown forces had invisibly waged war, and i shook all over from the hidden conflict. A physical nausea, prompted by all of life, was born in the moment i woke up. A horror at the prospect of having to live got up with me out of bed. Everything seemed hollow, and i had the chilling impression that there is no solution for whatever the problem may be.

posted by voyeur @ 10/12/2004 01:27:00 AM

20 Questions to a Better Relationship

eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 3/10
Physical: 5/10
Giver: 6/10


You are a XSYG--Expressive Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Sex Bomb.

You are sexy sex sex sex! The sexness! You are the sexiest, hottest and most charismatic of all types. You are a captivating speaker and a great dinner date -- relaxed, self-effacing, charming and generous. Your type probably has origins in something sad -- trying to keep the peace in a tough family situation, or an early heartbreak -- and you'll probably want to address and resolve that at some point, but in your relationships that heartache is pure gold!

You lie effortlessly -- not necessarily a bad thing. You can have problems with fidelity. You need frequent praise and validation, and in seeking it you can make decisions that aren't consistent with your general good judgment. In other words, don't cheat on your significant other just because someone is paying attention to you.

You strongly dislike conflict, and will avoid it. Like an XPYG, you give so much of yourself to your partner that you feel dismissed and unappreciated if you don't get the same in return. But you internalize your feelings more and have a hard time getting over them. You don't *want* to cheat -- you just keep finding yourself in vulnerable situations. But you'll stay with your partner in the long run from guilt and a desire to please.

Your sex life will always be hot. You are one of the rare people who can keep the fires of passion going forever -- if you find a good match. Find another XSYG and you will never need (or want) anyone else again.

Of the 127154 people who have taken this quiz, 8.2 % are this type.

http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp?quiz=Better+Relationship&page=1

posted by voyeur @ 10/11/2004 07:38:00 PM

Thank you for walking out on me when i needed you most.
Thank you for slapping me in the face when i was crying for you to stop.
Thank you for never listening to a word i said.
Thank you for making me feel even lousier about myself.
Thank you for tearing me down when i came to you for help.
Thank you for bringing the tears to my eyes when morning arose.
Thank you for helping me test my limits.
Thank you for inspiring me to challenge myself to cut my wrists.
Thank you for loving me this much.

posted by voyeur @ 10/11/2004 01:30:00 PM

Almost too much for my heart
When it rains
Oh tears my soul apart
When it rains
It rains so slowly
In the city where I'm from

she's alone in the room and its late. she sits idly on the chair, listening to this tune which sings, "nature's cruel, she laughs at me.." she's ill. she takes her pills. she contemplates. she wonders if she should take more than is required. she feels loveless. she feels worthless. she feels really lousy. she really wants to disappear.

and you know what. she's fully aware of the people who wish her to disappear. she thinks back. at all the people who possibly hate her. who do hate her. she hates herself too. so its fine by her if people do. people are supposed to anyway.

im nothing. worth nothing at all.

posted by voyeur @ 10/11/2004 01:38:00 AM

Opened my eyes, had a dream last night
That both my arms were broken
Evening time
Help me now or hold me down
I feel the world is tumbling
Spiralling down

Or was it just a dream?

As I make my way through the century
As I slowly turn to house dust
Tumbling down
The rain comes down like a victory
In sheets of shining memory
Over and over circling around

Its tiring being happy all the time, especially when you'r not. but you just do it anyway. how do you do it? you laugh and you smile and say the things that get you all around, and then you'r home and you'r alone, and then you make your way to the telephone. and once the call's at its end you'r all alone, then you start to think if your soul's naked to its bone.

posted by voyeur @ 10/10/2004 07:32:00 PM