dolorous interludes.

im sitting here thinking: what have i done. i acted upon my own will, was impatient, and therefore i must pay for the price. why didnt i not just wait upon God's will for me? i heard last night vaguely of your feelings. we both do mask it up well dont we? if you hadnt yet given in to your moment of vulnerability, i would never have known, and perhaps, might almost have been all ready to move on. then again, thats what i always seem to tell myself, and it never quite works out.i wonder if you know. you know that i know? and that you know how i feel? we always had this special connection. what i feel would always somehow be what you feel too. i once trusted this so much, but ive been wavering along ever since you started being so cold and distant towards me. your heart feels differently from what you show outwardly. like me. both of us, seemingly poles apart, yet. i cannot bring myself to type: yet so entwined in spirit. its all too much. perhaps im living in my own dreams, my fantasies. my very own castle i built for myself without realising that far off, you were silently building yours too, but separately. i hardly see you around anymore, nor do i hear you so very often anymore. but in my dreams, you appear. i know it sounds so cliche, but you do. this is why after 2 years, you still mean so much. i feel very torn. so sure of how i feel, yet what i do or do not want to do is uncertain. if only you knew. if only you knew.

posted by voyeur @ 12/13/2002 01:51:00 PM

i dont know why i am doing this. i do feel very exposed. what if -you- chance upon this? i dont want you to see through me. it would hurt you so much if you could read me like you think you can. but you cant. and i am glad. yet, this gladness is but transient for i know i am still hurting you by not loving you like i love -him-.

posted by voyeur @ 12/12/2002 06:54:00 PM

"she's taking her time making up the reasons
to justify all the hurt inside
guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
they're saying, 'mamma never loved her much'
and 'daddy never keeps in touch'
that's why she shys away from human affection
but somewhere back in a private place
she packs her bag for outer space
and now she's waiting for the right kinda pilot to come
and she'll say to him

i would fly to the moon and back if
you'll be...
if you'll be my baby...
got a ticket for a world where we
belong
so would you be my baby?

she can't remember the time when she
felt needed
if love was red then she was colour
blind
all her friends they've been tried for
treason
and crimes that were never defined
she's saying, "love is like a barren
place,
and reaching out for human faith
is like a journey i dont have a map for"

posted by voyeur @ 12/12/2002 06:37:00 PM