dolorous interludes.

i want so much to talk to you. tell you everything. and for you to understand and not pass me off with a judgement of yours immediately. could you do that? i think you could. can. you're gracious. i know you are. i feel sometimes that you are the driving force of mine towards excellence. to want to be the best that i can because of you. partly perhaps, to gain acceptance. from you. hm. ive always known you to have disliked and therefore rejected some of my qualities, that are possibly not desirable in your eyes. many times i was so disillushioned. didnt know who i was anymore. wanted to be someone more like the perfect someone in your eyes. perhaps thats one thing he could do better. accepting me fully for who i am. i remember we were at one fullerton one night. some time possibly on the 22 of november 2001, you said, "there's this part of you, the quiet you, i like so much, on the other hand, there's this louder you, the party you, whom i find myself distancing." what am i, if not human, to hold in myself a multitude of clashing characteristics that do not make sense, but makes me exactly who i am? however, i also know that what you want of me, what you want me to be, is someone very much of God, and i couldnt want more of that for myself either.

posted by voyeur @ 1/02/2003 08:32:00 PM

you called me last night. it really really made my day. my new year. he didnt even call me to wish me a happy new year. perhaps this is a really flawed comparison, but i do tend to compare a lot. perhaps i want to, because i know you'll always be. better. i told eunice last night, if you told me now, right now, that you loved me too, i would be at a great loss. i love you both, ive grown to love him too, although he disappoints me sometimes, but he's there, and i do love him for who he is. i dont love either person more than the other, and i wouldnt know what to do. really. wouldnt. with him though, i feel that a soul in me is lacking. you never fail to amaze me, to create in me a renewed power each time im with you. i think its called passion. or perhaps, im not being fair to him. perhaps, i wouldnt be feeling this way if i had let you go a long time ago. but i cannot. talking to you last night for a brief five minutes or so made me realise i still miss you. i realise that not thinking about things does not make the feelings go away either. sometimes i really fear blogging. if he should chance upon this one day, i would. have disappointed him a lot. he doesnt know of my mixed feelings. i dont want him to, because i know that if you werent here, he would have my heart fully. perhaps you'll go away someday. not that id want you to. i fear id lose you someday. but perhaps you will, even without me realising. then maybe, just maybe, it wouldnt even hurt. i wonder what God's plans for me are. i was praying just now. i remember in one of your past letters, you wrote, 'if we hold on to God's promises, for us, wait upon Him, He will fulfill our heart's desires.' you wrote as if you knew, you knew that God's will was for us to one day understand what 'forever' means. i dont want to hope now. it'll only disappoint me. hope in God. yes, i will hope in God. i wish you could help me walk this year more with God. i wish we could be as close as we were before. as friends. special friends.

posted by voyeur @ 1/01/2003 06:10:00 PM

i hear that song once again. this time, how much more awkward, with him by my side, last night. i felt so much like crying then. there i was, sitting by the wondrous sight of such a fountain, and the song is played. i could only look down at the spread of spotlights at the base of the fountain, absorbing the multitude of colours that shone before me. i was listening intently, and i knew every word and nuance by heart. i feel that im losing you. i fear that i am losing you. you seem very much more distant of late. i havent even had the opportunity to pass you your christmas present. i wanted it to be special for you. i feel so much like felicity right now. -laughs- watching that tv programme last night only served to exacerabate my. torn-ness.

posted by voyeur @ 12/31/2002 12:54:00 PM