dolorous interludes.

Wrap myself up and take me home again
Too many heartaches in my lifetime ain't good for me
I figure it's the love that keeps you warm
Let this moment be forever
We won't ever feel the storm
I ain't no vision, I am the girl
Who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way

posted by voyeur @ 4/09/2005 04:49:00 AM

Narrow Daylight.

I stood there in the salt spray air
Felt wind sweeping over my face
I ran up through the rocks to the old
wooden cross
It's a place where I can find some peace

Question.
Answer.
Question.
Answer.
Question.
Answer.

Question.
Answered.

posted by voyeur @ 4/07/2005 04:21:00 AM

Daddy's Girl.

Me: Dad, what time do you knock off tomorrow?

Dad: Why, or should i already presume that you need a driver?

Me: haha yes, i'm going for krall tomorrow but i'll only finish school at six and i don't want to have to carry everything down from school so i'll need to dump the stuff in your car.

Dad: should be ok.

Me: Yay! thanks dad!

Dad: only because i love you.

Me: :) i love you too.

It is a rarity for my old man to say the three words, but when he does say it (despite only through sms), my heart soars, and my eyes glistens. Age has brought my dad and i closer(though we've always been close). Perhaps we've grown to realise just how much we need each other- in his process of trying to let me go because i'm at that age where i need more space, i've got my own friends, and i want to exercise my freedom; and on my part, realising how hard it is for him to let go of his only daughter of whom he's given up so much for, and how old he's becoming- and how much more i need to treasure this time with him, because it won't last forever, as much as i wish it could. Don't get me wrong, my dad's still healthy, and he's still below fifty, yet, everyday still feels like a last to me, when it comes to my dad. I'm so afraid of not letting him know (enough), just how much i care, because one never really knows when an unexpected moment might loom- in our day and age where disease is prevalent (and sudden), where natural disasters aplenty, i don't even want to risk feeling the agonising regret and remorse of not having loved him best i can, and more importantly, showing him that i do (while i still can), because he is, and always will be, the man of my life. And i'm not just talking about losing him; he might too, one day lose me- accidents, tragedy, oh you see these terms on the tabloids everyday. One just never really knows. when. and how.

This aside, while we're on the topic of tragedy and our loved ones, i recall a funny episode with an old friend, post 9/11. (okay, my bad, 'funny' and '9/11' aren't synonymous), but anyhow, upon watching on CNN how terribly fragile life is and thousands still traumatised, i started smsing a few friends to tell them how much i loved them, in case i never got the chance to again. One replied, "You're paranoid. Anyway, i'm really sad, 'cos now the sky scrappers are gone and you won't be able to see them on those nice postcards anymore!" Right. So much for sentimentalism.

posted by voyeur @ 4/05/2005 04:05:00 PM

Parallelism.

Suddenly, it feels like i don't know you anymore.

Nor you me.

And it hurts because i still care so much, but the hedges have outgrown themselves over time.

posted by voyeur @ 4/04/2005 11:33:00 PM

Amazing Grace.

I am found in your embrace
Covered by your love
Beyond my deepest dreams I know
Your love so strong, spirit come.

You lift me up to heaven’s door
You restore my soul
I can’t live without your touch
I need You so much, need You more.

I can’t tell you enough how God has comforted me in my darkest hours. He used to, until I turned away from Him. But he’s found me again, by his grace. And its amazing- I miss the calm, I miss the assurance. I miss knowing what really matters, and I miss believing in a cause, and the meaning of life, of living. For all my friends who have constantly kept me in their prayers and encouraged me, thank you so much. Special thanks to- Eunice, Angela, Gen, Alexia.

posted by voyeur @ 4/04/2005 02:39:00 AM

I find it extremely difficult to be truthful here- I don’t mean events or people or my sentiments about Love. I mean something closer to my heart, something more elusive to your eyes- me. Simply me. My feelings: my fears, my insecurities, my fatigue, my worries, and mostly, my anger. It is known amongst most, or even all who know me, that I hardly ever get mad. I get irritable, and frustrated- but even then, I don’t like showing it much. I can honestly only think of one person whom I know intimately that has seen me boiling mad- its reasons I shall not divulge here, but it makes me wonder how little people actually know me, if I even allow them to. I realise I do want people to know me best they can, and as honestly as possible- no pretence, no facades, no fancy schmancy, (because age has told me that my tolerance for superficiality has decreased by a mile since 2005 started, on a less than spectacular note too- quite apt I say), but I think it usually takes a lot more time, energy and want, to actually know someone that well. And these days, very few can afford those. I don’t think I actually talked about how I spent my new year’s. it was by the beach, with four other friends, of whom I only knew two personally, and even the two were not very intimate friends, though good ones I know I’d always be able to share a laugh with. But really, I could’ve very well spent my new year’s alone. The company was comforting anyhow, though I felt my heart a thousand shores away. I always told my closest friends that the worst sort of loneliness, is when you’re with people but still feel alone; on top of being plagued by that horrendous feeling, you aren't given the liberty of behaving whichever way you wish. On the contrary, you end up putting on smiles and talking about inconsequential (or not) matters when you’d rather just not talk at all. I used to not want to go out if I didn’t feel like entertaining people- but these days, I’d much rather the company and conversation despite feeling taciturn.

I don’t think I had a point in writing this entry, and if I did have one, I’ve lost it altogether. How our mind works in tracks; loose ideas and thoughts strung together in lines like a housemaid leaving the laundry out to sun on lines, very arbitrarily. Anyhow, I’ve had a rather good weekend (save for Sunday that hasn’t started proper). But one last thought for tonight- my ideal Friday evening? A take home, or even a home cooked meal, good conversation though not necessarily ongoing, a rented movie perhaps, and a jolly card game. And the finale- meatball soup or prata after.

posted by voyeur @ 4/03/2005 03:50:00 AM