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Monday, March 17, 2003

"let there be love"? im listening to nat king cole now. i dont know. im feeling vulnerable. yesterday's church sermon broke me. i didnt want to cry. really didnt. i think the pastor was right. sometimes, just sometimes, we all need to be held. to be told that we are loved. i dont know. arent words supposed to be... empty? i dont know. dont know what i need. dont know who i am. dont know who they are. sometimes i question the existence of God. un-christianly huh? perhaps. i am only human. is He only what we create for ourselves because we need something more than what this immediate world of ours can provide? i know that these questions can never be quite adequately answered. philosophy is a loadful of crap. our minds move only in tracks. words of george elliot. how limited the human brain! i need more faith. faith in the unknown. goodness me. its so strange. the music and the ambience is so... tranquil. there are birds outside chirping. im serious. ha. its not some made up fantasy of mine. its seriously a lovely afternoon. but. this only serves to exacerbate the emptiness of my being. i dont know. i wonder sometimes if there were giants living outside of this universe, controlling our destinies. fate and destiny. you asked me the other night if i believed in it. i dont quite know. nature is beautiful. but what man has created isnt.

posted by voyeur @ 3/17/2003 02:08:00 PM

amazing. i fail to turn to this quasi-available avenue for my thoughts yet again. its been almost a month... well perhaps not quite, but almost. i love being alone at home on afternoons when i know i need not fear the darkness and of its enveloping insidiousness that drowns me sometimes in melancholy. today is no exception. i find that i only derive glimpses of inspiration to write here when im alone at home. and im listening to norah jones. a nice day for reflection. self reflection. i have been most guilty. what was last night about? it feels like it was only last night. i must confess my mild attraction towards the unknown and unfamiliar. sometimes familiarity and protection bores me. like him. i thought i almost forgot you in the midst of my fantasies of my recent interest in other areas. people. returning to this blog is somewhat like a slap in the face. of the futility of my life. of the transience of all of my faintest interests and mild hopes of an exciting and eventful life. i realise the nothingness of what life must bring. of what life -does- bring. he didnt realise why i clammed up yesterday. i know i can trust no one fully here. man is much too prone to folly and deceit himself. i am no exception. i wish only that i could fulfill my immediate desires so that i could move on to a state of nothingness again and realise that something has passed me by and that its yet again one of those things people attribute to it being, just, life. i guess.

posted by voyeur @ 3/17/2003 01:50:00 PM