dolorous interludes.

Perspective is a strange affair. There are indefinite means and ways in which one can view a certain situation and such are the reasons why decisions are always difficult to make. Instinct. Whose should i be trusting? mine own, or the vibes of my closer friends and family? Sincerity. how does one know exactly where the arbitrary line is drawn to determine whether one falls into the category of "genuine" or "hypocritical", or simply, "inconsistent"? my mood. plain frustrated now. i think the burden of teaching and knowing that i hold a grave responsibility over the results and education of the brightest minds has been setting in. last night i dreamt that i quit my job. its too pressurising. just dont wish to be lousy or uninspiring. i want to touch lives, to motivate, to inspire. what if that is just beyond my reach? geography. how does one make it interesting at such a fundamental level when i only truly saw its applicability at seventeen?

i think my life lacks a certain routine that regulates my mind; enhancing my certainty when it comes to various matters especially. bah i just need some time off from everything. need some self time. have a good weekend, you all.

posted by voyeur @ 1/17/2004 12:58:00 PM

"I love you. In the bustle of the anonymous crowds, you stand out dear. My absence will be but temporary. In pain, my love, remember not to let the walls come up to shield you. Do not succumb to the temptation of loving behind safe walls. Believe in our love dear. Trust me, and let not respite from pain tempt you into feeling less, caring less. Know i will be thinking of you also. Hold our memories dear my love. You are not alone. I love you. If neither of us pull back, and trust, we will make through anything love. Put your hand in mine love... Don't let go, for i will hold onto you tight. i wont let you fall. Fell its warmth and know of my love for you. i'll be coming back, and i know you'll be there waiting for me. The song sings... it couldnt be harder to say goodbye. how fitting. Goodbye love. " he writes.

And so he's off to China. Been away from Singapore for barely two days now, and it feels like forever. my days have seemingly been rougher since his absence, and Time sails by much less quicker too. in other words, i miss him dearly. He'll be away for two half weeks(ONLY, so some of you might say, but to young lovers who havent spent more than two days apart, it is immensely long a wait.) if two half weeks shall be so torturous, how will two half years feel? he's going off to the States in September; i know not what that will entail, but its an extremely saddening affair. long distance relationships? big words those are, havent given much thought to it as yet, but i guess Time will solidify what loose and uncertain ties there are, and then, the big step might be taken in due course.

Love, i tell you once more that my hands are in yours. i do trust in our love and my heart's desire. nothing is more genuine than the fresh impulse of faith and feeling that fills me, and i will not let the walls come up because i fear. or once feared. no longer i do, and i have decided to waste no more time in silly thoughts that define only the character of one who cannot embrace life because of man's fallibilities. i love you, and i've laid my heart out on the line, love.

Last night, i was shocked once more by the words of a moralist. it was somewhat offending, but looking at it from his point of view, having once been a moralist myself, i accepted his remarks graciously and took it with a pinch of salt. (or at least i tried to) "How quickly you've moved on. What happened to commitment? tsk, how times have changed." darlings, tell me. is it better to commit with an empty heart, and have the other person know that the only reason why one is still in a relationship is because one ought to be committed; or, is it better to end a dreadful relationship that will only mean more pain in the long term and will in due time end anyway? One should not be bounded by principles only because one ought to; i believe in the human heart and its workings; action without heartfelt desire is meaningless, despite the thoughts of stern moralists. anyhow. censorious folks can choose to think all they want, i no longer crave acceptance; i respect the strict moral code of those who can, but wish only that they might not judge too quicky those who cant. my religious faith, or the lack of, is a growing concern to many of late. this is another issue i would wish to write of soon, and this is no easy matter altogether. i wish mom would understand, but i guess i can understand why she cannot; i never used to be able to previously when arguing with my dad who chose no longer to walk the narrow path twenty years back. a long history and a long story, and here i am, following the very shadows of my dad. shadows? no. its a choice i have learnt to live with, and one that hopefully those around me will soon grow to accept. anyway. more about this in my later entries.

i miss him. he's truly so precious, and the sweetest thing too! ah. well thank God for technology though, and thank God for cyber cafes in China. A teacher today, however, remarked that i was so "quaint". she said that because of my disinclination towards technology and therefore my inadequacy at it. but darlings, tell me, is the element of romance somewhat lost because of technology? i love letter and journal writing. there's somewhat a more characteristic imprint of your very own original art, and strands of your natural emotive instincts are also somehow revealed through something handwritten; its more personal, more intimate, and more romantic. -smiles- and yes, romance is of utmost importance! i do not think i could ever live without it; it feeds one the wildest dreams, the most colourful of fantasies, and keeps one hoping and dreaming. ah look. even the skies agree with me; it is of a rich passionate orange -red shade now, mixed with a tinge of soft midnight blue to complement its glow.

this has been an exceedingly long entry. i could write as long as eternity takes me, but i must end here and get dressed for dinner. guess what im going to be having? subway! *cheers to all subway lovers!* =) and. would anyone like to take up my idea of starting up a new magazine with me, say ten years down the road? takers? anyone? =)

posted by voyeur @ 1/16/2004 07:27:00 PM

The mundane quality of groundhog day seizes my half-aware and awake being this morning. We are like straggling worms wishing for a horizon beyond what we can already see, but seldom are those who look beyond happy because of the sinking awareness of the grey skies above every land, no matter how far, or how wide their myopic vision takes them to. It is said that “man works because there is nothing else to do in life”, and this morning, I am reminded of this sickeningly helpless but realistic truth. The older and the wiser (by the world’s standards), have told me “life would be indeed extremely boring if not for work”. Well then, the basis and definition of work would then need to be first clarified. Ah. screw those precise pendantic definitions. Definitions only serve to confine the true and all-encompassing meanings of most affairs. I write today merely because I was star-struck by the dreadfulness of my mornings: trudging back to school, sitting in the oppressive and neatly calculated divisions in this stale and cold machine box facing, while typing this, a grey and slowly warming mechanized wonder that all boys on the face of this earth seem to worship. It warms not to my writing; I am sure it shudders with distaste at my frequent outbursts of dislike towards its workings; it serves however as my only form of warmth this morning, and my only friend, while the office wails in silent agony to be set free from all rules, regulations, and boundaries impressed upon them for just one purpose that keeps the forward moving motions of this life less difficult: gold coins. The issue of wealth and affluence is a strange one. As young children, one seldom realizes the value and worth of a penny; yet, we were happy. As growing adults today, we are often confounded by our silent cravings, attributing this need to understanding that figures, digits, and returns govern life. It is queer how we try to find joy in what we do daily; why isn’t there hardly something that first ignites in us a measure of strong pure impulsing joy, that leads us to exercise freely our choice and freedom to actively engage in moments such as these? No obligations, no sense of duty, no boundaries; completely and wholly free agents of this world. Perhaps I will grow to love waking at six every morning and having a slice of buttered bread on my way to work because there is hardly any time for a slow and enjoyable meal at such an hour; perhaps the day will come when I soon find joy in being told what to do and being confined by a whole year’s worth of syllabus that was planned eons ago; perhaps I will soon learn to accept the instinctively mechanized workings of this world. I must be thankful and appreciate the slow but steady flow of income that shall be my incentive. Ah. How such financial flows change things, motivate people, keeps one going.

With my incessant ranting all said and done with this morning, I now wish to write of my lovely previous day that might once more, cause some to gag with sickening throbbing minds at having read my entries that sound all too similar because of the nature of my choice of focus of late. No. not choice. The joy of my entire being is centered on this one person, and this is not by choice; he drives me mad with want and need for him, and this I do so helplessly. I did not decide for this; it freely led me and I yielded. Time with him journeyed on briskly yet again, and this time, we travelled to Miami. It was pouring and the chilly winds forced us closer together in a huddle; warmth was transmitted through our mutual caresses, and irresistable desire was borne merely by his glances. The sun was absent in the grey-white skies, but it certainly was present in his smiles. I love his smiles do you know? They come in so many forms; the cute cringly one when he laughs, the side grin, the full smile, the impudent and slightly evil curvature on his lips… as good as the afternoon was, night times spent out with him were always enchanting, and last night was no exception. The orange red lights melted onto the leaves of the enveloping trees, and it felt as if we were wrapped up in this enchanted garden of magic; a secret forest it seemed, and our secret would lie in there forever; “the trees have long memories. I feel like they are listening…holding me to my promise to love you forever,” he typed in fear of insensible emotions that lead us only to tear. I felt in a whirl where in there it existed only two of us; he wheeled me into his heart where I felt the strongest and surest of emotions and words; words are sometimes lost and forgotten, they are said, and like chaff in the winds, they are blown away and are lost to them eternally; but, moments like these will always be remembered and treasured dearly, and only fools are those who forget such precious times such as these. Conversation was later slightly coarse and embittered, but Love taught two people to listen and to hope. “even though you do not see it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” And quite right you are, I couldn’t agree more.

The sweetest and dearest thing you are to me my love, and the “insane hope” that you feed me, as some would call it, has unshelled me slowly but surely. Out of my little four walls you have taken me, and into your embrace I have fallen. With no pretty lacings and no lavishing adornments, my heart merely whispers that it loves you.

posted by voyeur @ 1/12/2004 09:51:00 AM