dolorous interludes.

hold me, and don't say a word.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

I really want to maintain my joyful disposition, to not be substantially weakened and to draw on God's strength. and its so much easier when there are people around you to take your mind off things. but some nights, its just so difficult to hold everything together and be strong for the people around you. I really really want to be strong about it. but every once in awhile, i crumble and i wish so much for you to hold me up. then, i remember how you're gone for good, and i fall apart again.

posted by voyeur @ 10/01/2005 04:05:00 AM

Romans 5:3-5

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

I think we see God's grace most clearly in times of need, and it is through His love that i am strengthened everyday. I thank God for blessing me with friends who have been more than wonderful- for checking in on me, for listening, for your comfort, support and encouragement. i really do appreciate everything. (:

posted by voyeur @ 9/28/2005 04:35:00 AM

abyss of disenchantment.

the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good,
and thanks to that artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.

What if enduring the present necessitates jolting the awful past and forgetting the wonderful? I could never do that, and that is why i never once understood the aphorism once bitten twice shy. and so i ask myself every now and then how i could have nurtured such a chimera in my heart with such ferocity, only to be later appalled by my foolishness upon the realisation of an elusive love, on the part of the other person anyway.

posted by voyeur @ 9/26/2005 06:17:00 PM

Broken Bridges.

His life story unfolds as I turn the pages of Cyril’s latest collection.
And with some of his words, I tell you mine.

-

Getting up. Harder
with each indifferent hour
I remain in bed.

The afternoon rays finally roused me from sleep and I had so much difficulty trying to open my eyes. Overnight tears seemed to have stitched them together. I was just having a nightmare. In it, I saw from the door ajar that my grandmother’s legs were wounded and bleeding, while I was being cut at the arm by someone else holding a pair of scissors. I saw two scars on my arm in my dream- they were like two straight lines that never became one.

-

But the day demands
I heave me legs off the bed-
Anchors into sea.

Words like loneliness
creep back into the spaces
between each heartbeat.


I coiled up in bed rethinking last night’s events.

Is it a choice
to linger?

What if there is
no light,

no peace?

Tempting- to throw myself out at sea and be carried along like a corpse floating on water. But why should I not wait to get onboard a cruiseship to tide me through the choppy waters while being stable and safe in there? Plenty of lifevests and emergency boats, not to mention, a clearer and more remarkable view of paradise when you no longer have to worry about safety.

But this is the level headed me speaking. But maybe, I no longer have any voice apart from the one up there. Heartbroken from last night’s incident, I toyed with the idea of suicide notes, always the easy way out.

-

A rush upwards, then to perch
at the corner of my bed, locked

out of my body to gaze back
in wonder: those eyes

once mine now clenched firmly shut;
a half-open mouth on the brink

of a word or yawn; hands lying
on either side of the body,

neither open nor closed.

But I want to come out of this stronger and better than ever, to have you realise what you just lost. And so I prayed outloud, with my hands clasped together, until I finally drifted into an uneasy sleep.

-

I suppose amidst the stalemate, I was always hoping for something more. But today, I now understand what was never meant to be, and will never be.

posted by voyeur @ 9/25/2005 04:51:00 PM