dolorous interludes.

"im feelings nervous, trying to be so perfect, cos i know you'r worth it...i can see what i wanna see, i wanna see you down on one knee, marry me today, yes im wishing my life away, these things i'll never say... these words keep slipping away... ive got nothing to say...i can say what i wanna say, i say i wanna blow you away, be with you everynight, am i squeezing you too tight... these things i'll never say. "- avril lavigne "Things i'll never say"

posted by voyeur @ 9/19/2003 05:20:00 PM

The prelims are drawing to a close. they havent been fantastic, as far as my academic abilities allow for me to excel; im far from the genius that you are, and have always been. my measure of self belief has deteriorated considerably through the course of these two years. i dont think its raffles thats sapping it away from me slowly; i love this place; i think i couldnt have been happier anywhere else; it is here that i have met with friendship, deeper passion for the languages, clarity of thought, and the placid school life i live as a wallflower...albeit the increasing struggles in my spiritual walk. its been a rollercoaster ride; now, its just been flat topography ive been walking on.

i digress. i meant to speak of my loss in self belief. perhaps its realism setting down at me. perhaps its the lack of self belief my parents have in me. perhaps it was the O levels. ha. i dont ever let anything go, do i? thats me. the stackfull of every failure recorded in the pages of my journals. this blog is merely a side avenue, nothing as full as my personal handwritten one. human faith is strange thing indeed. as Hardy would say, the marked strangeness is witnessed where people profess so much in church but believe so little, and the converse where people profess but so little and believe so much.

"if you knew whats going on in her life, there would be two hundred troubled teenagers sitting to talk to her; if you knew whats going on in her life, there would be a documentary on the radioon her, talk to her... she thought there was an answer to the flashing blues..." -belle and sebastian, "Beautiful". lovely song this is.

i write to express and not to entertain. really? i question my own intentions, but really, no one ever reads my blog, why should the motivation ever be that of the latter? perhaps someday. perhaps. someone might chance upon this and there goes the faith in me.

hey you, i know you'r just gonna do brilliant for the prelims. time will tell. you'r gonna get the scholarship you want, you'r gonna fly to the US, you'r gonna study what you wish(of which i know not what), you'r gonna graduate with flying colours, you'r gonna become the great (whatever) you'r gonna be, as our paths diverge further. i can just imagine all of these you know? you have this amazing strength that is so lacking in me: the strength to pursue your dreams, to achieve what you want. perhaps its the strong faith you have; speaks well from our pursuits of religion as well.

ah well. you continue doing the great things you have been working with. i shant continue in my moral degeneration, i will try, try but little, and perhaps, just perhaps, someday, i'll become the great person i imagined myself to be in the faraway yesteryears.

"dont wanna let him go... maybe my love will come back someday, only heaven knows, and maybe our hearts will find their way, but only heaven knows... and all i can do is hope and pray, cos heaven knows, why i live in despair, cos why do we go dreaming i know he's never there, and all the time i act so brave, i shake inside; why does it hurt me so..." -Rick Price "Only Heaven Knows"

posted by voyeur @ 9/19/2003 05:14:00 PM

is conscious abstainence any better than the awareness of lingering emotions?

you may have abstained, and i falter; yet as i think through the two years of mighty change, i realise that things are the way they are only because you pushed me away first. i wrote and you answered not; i tried and you shrank back politely. is this not the cause? perhaps then, you have moved on completely. foolish me then, no? who else as silly, to hold on to faith, my undulating feelings that lead me constantly to your stream of memories?

i think it is time to shrink away from reverie and hold onto expediency, lest i lose not just you, but what i already have.

posted by voyeur @ 9/18/2003 02:17:00 PM

i was sleepless last night, partly thinking of you, partly being infused into the nervous system where heart and mind are the least at ease with my current capabilities. the last two nights of messages have shaken my belief of our silent parting. perhaps, perhaps, just perhaps, we could begin to talk like before and start off where we left off. perhaps?

i only know that this is passion against principle. passion against compatibility. passion against logic.

to raionalise my feelings for you, would be to distort; feelings cannot be measured against time nor compatibility, can it? i know him to be more like me than you are, yet, the strange affinity i feel when im with you, is absent in his presence.

i hear of your plans to go to the US. im glad of your plans, but slightly saddened as well. you'll then be further away than we already are; only this time, so much less accessible. sigh.

as for -you- my dear, i only wish you to continue writing. its is the only window to your heart; i cannot read you any further. reading your words serve as food for my soul as well. i oft said you write well, and oh you write well indeed. dont stop. dont.

posted by voyeur @ 9/16/2003 06:31:00 PM