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Saturday, September 04, 2004

It’s really amazing how I can’t stop crying.

It’s six twenty five on a Saturday morning, and I hardly had a wink of sleep. Just sent him off an hour ago, and it was hardly how I imagined it to be. The last couple of days have been rather difficult, trying to balance both relationship and work, while at the same time knowing that I’ll have to make the best out of these last days because he’ll be leaving soon.

So. He’s left. Gone. Walked through the departure gates like… there wouldn’t be a tomorrow left for us. The finality of sending someone off really stings. Even though I know I’ll see him in nine months(if we pull through and hang on), it’s difficult to look so far as yet; all I see and feel now is him not being there for me to drop a line to when I wake tomorrow, and not seeing him for the many, many days ahead of me.

I would love to sleep now. Just to put myself deep in slumber and be free of concerns. This suddenly reminds me of a poem by Pope entitled “Ode to Solitude”. I can hardly relate to it now, though he says that being alone allows one to be free and happy. Alexander, I am having a difficult time being alone now, whatever made you write such a poem!

I helped him pack his bags for most of today. The moment came as he was trying to zip up his filled-to-the-brim luggage; his parents pulling on one side, he on the other, and I? I was standing by side, watching the strenuous scene, while suddenly struck with a realization that he was to go in six hours. That was at about eleven last night. I retreated to his blue room, where I will miss going to so much, and I started feeling really afraid. Just how, do I intend to just get on with my life without him physically here with me, when I’ve been with him almost everyday through these past eight months? We’ve done everything together. Everything. And then in a matter of a few hours, the person goes poof, and he’s gone. For a long, long time, of which no one knows what may befall either of us through this period.

It’s difficult, having no sense of certainty in my endeavors with him. You know, like people investing in shares; they’d like some sense of certainty before embarking on a huge investment or business plan. We all love certainty. Or at least, we’d prefer to have a greater measure of it in our everyday endeavors. Relationships on the other hand, you never really know, or do you?

Is knowing a heartfelt matter or a logical one? If I said, that I feel we could pull through this because I love him deeply, is that all to it? Or does it even matter that I think that we can’t because of our largely differing environment, circumstances, goals, plans and dreams? At the moment of course, one of our common dreams is to be together, forever more. But who is to say that dreams will not make slight but gradual alterations in themselves? I was adamant in following my heart, in pursuing Literature, but hark, what am I doing now? I’m studying law, the more practical option, as many would so say. Am I happy? Well, perhaps not as happy as I might’ve been if I took Lit, but who’s to say that wouldn’t change too?

I hate how changes in life are so unpredictable. I hate change. I like being able to remain in my comfort zone, and never needing to deal with situations that tilt this contented balance of security and safety.

What have I become! Look to carpe diem. Now all I want, is to be in my safe nut shell, hiding away from risks, dangers, and pain. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve had eight full months of security and contentment. In a way, I’ve been extremely sheltered especially in these eight months. He’s been taking very good care of me. Relationships tend to instill in one a sense of moral rightness, and in doing so, one begins to steer clear from grey areas, and things become a little more absolute, contrary to my previous thoughts and beliefs. I still am an avid supporter of the grey areas, but less so now. It’s about knowing what matters most to you, and in realizing that, doing what is right to hold on to what matters most. But of course, there must be balance in all that we do and decide.

I digress. He was right about writing and how it would make me feel better. I’ve been rambling on, there is hardly a focal point in this writing, but it has soothed my nerves no doubt.

So. Am I skeptical about our relationship working out? Yes, but you’ve always known that I was. You’ve helped me believe in Love dear, but that doesn’t mean that the reality of things don’t matter. I’ve read what you wrote in the books love, and I really appreciate all that you wrote. I love you so much, and it really hurts thinking of how we’re going to be apart for so very long. I’ll be trying hard though, I told you I wouldn’t let go. I told you I’ll always be here should you need me. It’s a long road ahead of us, and yes, t his is where my leap of faith begins. I believe in you dear, and I do trust you. Do take care of yourself, and be good I say once more. =)

It’s seven in the morning now, I’ve had a long day, and it’s time for me to catch some two hours of sleep before another day begins.

I hope you’re resting well on the plane dear. I really miss you. Will write you soon. I love you.


posted by voyeur @ 9/04/2004 07:19:00 AM

Sunday, August 29, 2004

We often come across magnificent quotes or two liners from movies that stick in our heads forever, don't we?

Here's one i came across tonight:

Guy: "I want you to be my fairytale princess forever."
Girl: "But we don't live in fairy tales."

You really think i'll be the only person who'll make you feel complete after eight years apart? You say things change all the time. What makes you think that won't change either?

posted by voyeur @ 8/29/2004 11:46:00 PM

You leave in five days.

It has finally sunk in, and i am filled with an indescribable dread of this sense of finality. I cannot explain nor account for the numerous doubts in my mind; perhaps its how it’s always been for me- never getting what i want. I do believe in the human will, but i am a greater believer in the hands of chance, in other words, Fate. Perhaps i’m too afraid of wanting something too badly; i would be crushed if i lost eventually. Losing to the hands of chance that is.

I am going to miss so much of everything. You and i, we’ve been inseparable since we met late last December. It’s funny isn’t it, never knowing what you’re going to get. It was by a wonderful stroke of chance that we met and fell in love; might it be by this same stroke of chance that things turned otherwise? You’ve become a huge part of my life- i see you everyday, and it feels like we’re practically married. We do everything together: from things as trivial as washing our faces, eating, shopping, the movies, to bigger things like cooking, viewing cars, going on holidays, etc. the list is extensive, you would know that i’m sure. We tried to list out everything didn’t we? It came out to what, over a hundred different things we did or went together? Its amazing, this love.

“Right now, everything is turning blue… right now, i wish i could follow you, to the shores of freedom…” i’m sure you’ll know what song this verse came from aye? –smiles- where you’ll be heading, there’ll be so much to look forward to; where i am now, there’s just too much to do and let go. I can’t tell you enough how much i wish for these four years to speed away.

And maybe they will. With the amount of work i get everyday, it would not be surprising if they did.

As you pack your bags, you’ll be bringing along with you all the memories that we’ve shared through this eight months. Though seemingly short to a bystander, it’s been so fulfilling, and we’ve shared so much. The fights and tears have never hindered us from loving, and i hope the same truth applies to the distance. It’s going to be so faraway, where you are. It’s going to be so hard standing alone again; the comfort of knowing that i’ll be seeing you the next day, knowing that i’ll always have a companion to go to the movies with me, knowing that you would hold me whenever i get upset or afraid, it'll go when you go. It’s going to so difficult watching the couples walk along Orchard, going to bed knowing that i won’t be seeing you any time soon, and spending Christmas without you. Yes, i’m one to feel the festive blues. Felt it last Christmas, till you came along. –smiles-

So much of Singapore will remind me of you- Orchard, sim lim, sentosa, our favourite supper stall, the gym, pasta café, old chang kee, dover mrt, the apple store at wheelock, raffles city, subway, fort canning, the arcade, pool, ice skating at jurong east, etc. i don’t wish to list it all again. I often get carried away, and each memory tugs at my heart as i think of you leaving soon. Too soon.

Think of me sometimes while you’re there. Don’t you change too much too, i know i won’t. I love you. Do remember that, even when we quarrel. –smiles-

posted by voyeur @ 8/29/2004 08:13:00 PM